Relaxation
by Skeletoncrew
Summary: Poor Splinter, all he wants is a quiet night to himself! Finished!
1. Bathtime

Splinter watched as the water poured into the bathtub. He focused on the rising steam as he willed his body to relax. The last few days had strained his patience nearly to the breaking point; now his neck and shoulder muscles were a mass of painful knots. This bath was long overdue. He tossed a muslin bag full of herbs into the tub when the water reached the halfway point. Splinter inhaled deeply as the sweet scent began to diffuse through the room.  
  
He smiled ruefully as he untied his kimono. What a shame that he had to resort to ordering his students out of their home so he could have this quiet time. He loved them dearly, but they could be so trying at times. He found himself occasionally wondering how much easier his life would have been had he been blessed with four daughters instead of sons.  
  
He winced in pain as he slid the kimono off his arms and hung it up on a hook. He should never have allowed himself to get so tense. Even his back was feeling tight, he noted as he removed his trousers. Oh well, nothing a good soak in the tub wouldn't cure. Time to relax! He had shut off the water and put his left foot in the water when it occurred to him that a little tea would be quite nice. He sighed and pulled his foot out of the tub. He should have thought of that before. Some tea would be very nice while soaking away his worries. He grabbed a towel off of the rack and wrapped it around his waist, tucking it in so it would stay in place.  
  
Not wanting his bath to cool too much before his return, Splinter walked briskly to the kitchen and quickly set about his tea making. As he waited for the water to boil, it occurred to him that a little snack might be nice as well. He made up a small plate of peanut butter and crackers. The tea was soon ready and he headed for the bathroom, cup and saucer in one hand, and plate in the other.  
  
As he was passing through the living room something caught his eye. Splinter craned his head over the couch slightly for a better look. A magazine was sticking out from under the center cushion. His curiosity piqued he set the dishes down on the end table and leaned over the couch to retrieve the magazine. He frowned when he saw what it was. Hustler. His sons knew better than to leave things like that lying about. Splinter had realized years ago that it was fruitless to lay an absolute ban on pornography in the household, but it was supposed to be kept out of sight at all times. What if April had stopped by and found it?  
  
Intending to dispose of it immediately, he tucked the magazine under his arm. Shaking his head, he popped one of the crackers in his mouth and picked the plates back up. Taking a step towards the bathroom he heard the entrance to the lair opening. He stopped and looked towards the entryway. Who could it be? Surely it was not one of his sons returning already. No, it was April O'Neil.  
  
"Oh hi Splinter! You're just the person I wanted to see!" She paused a little ways away from him, looking slightly puzzled by his appearance. "Oh. Are you in the middle of something?"  
  
He wanted to answer, but he hated speaking with his mouth full, so instead he gestured with the plate to convey the idea that something was in his mouth. To his dismay, the magazine slipped out from under his arm and fell open at his feet. April immediately stepped forward and knelt down to retrieve it. "Here, let me get that for you."  
  
He tried to speak, but the cracker crumbs and peanut butter coating the inside of his mouth thwarted his effort. April let out a shocked cry, "Splinter!" Her hand had stopped just short of the magazine, and she now looked up at him with a mixture of confusion and accusation on her face.  
  
Splinter's mind raced, "Why couldn't it have been a Playboy sticking out of the couch? At least that could have fallen open to an article." His eyes flicked from her stunned expression to the pictorial featuring one woman and three men doing something he really didn't care to imagine.  
  
He tried to swallow so he could verbally defend himself against her accusing stare. Damn crackers. His tail flicked in annoyance. Before he realized what was happening, the towel had slid off his hips and landed on the floor. April's gaze shifted downwards when the towel fell, and remained on the previously covered portion of his anatomy just inches from her face.  
  
He froze when he felt the towel fall. His eyes closed automatically, as if to deny the reality of what was happening. At least it couldn't get any worse. Then he heard the door open and a familiar voice, "I just forgot my-nevermindbye!"  
  
Splinter's eyes flew open just in time to see Michaelangelo slamming the door behind him. April's reverie was also broken by the noise, and she turned towards the front entrance. He took advantage of her distraction, and quickly set the dishes down. He bent over and snatched up the magazine and towel. Turning away from April, he tossed the magazine onto the couch and reapplied the towel. He heard April stand, "Maybe I should go," her voice wavered slightly.  
  
He coughed and cleared his throat, "Just a moment." Splinter tucked the towel back into place once more. He grabbed the tea and took a quick sip to wash down the last of the offending crumbs. When he turned back towards April, he found her to be blushing a brilliant shade of pink and several paces closer to the door. "Please accept my apologies for what has just happened. I only wanted to have a nice relaxing evening."  
  
She interrupted his explanation, "No. I don't want to know. What you do with your time is your business. Sorry, I uh, interrupted." As she spoke she covered the last few steps to the door.  
  
"But," Splinter stuttered, "It's not my magazine!" He was too late, she had already slipped out the door. His shoulders slumped. Sighing dejectedly, he headed off to finally take his bath. 


	2. Splinter and April what?

Relaxation Chapter 2  
  
By Skeletoncrew  
  
Michaelangelo ran up to his waiting brothers, slightly out of breath and completely frantic. "You're not going to believe this!"  
  
Raphael rolled his eyes and pushed way from the tree he had been leaning against, "You got distracted by something and forgot your wallet again."  
  
"Well yeah, but."  
  
Leonardo stepped forward, interrupting him with a groan, "Aww Mike, we've already missed the 8 o'clock show because of you!"  
  
"And I for one am not paying for your ticket. You still owe me from the last time this happened," Donatello scowled at his agitated looking brother.  
  
"Would you guys just shut up and listen already? I found out why Splinter wanted us out so badly tonight!"  
  
Raphael snorted, "That's nothing new, we were driving him nuts!"  
  
Donatello raised an eyebrow at him, "We? I was minding my own business, working on an e-mail encryption program when you three started."  
  
"Let's not get into this again!" Leonardo cried with exasperation.  
  
"Fine with me. But if it weren't for your," he pointed at Leonardo, "constant squabbling with Raph, I'd be happily and quietly programming right now."  
  
Michaelangelo tried vainly to get their attention, "Guys! This is really important!"  
  
Raphael moved closer to Donatello, an angry look on his face. "Yeah, like you're Mr. Perfect! Who keeps 'forgetting' to do all of his chores while he's locked away in his lab?"  
  
"Raph's actually got a point there. We're the ones who have to do those chores while you're slacking off with those computers of yours." Leonardo looked at Donatello critically.  
  
"Slacking off?! I'm the one who."  
  
"I SAW APRIL GIVING SPLINTER A BLOW JOB!"  
  
In the stunned silence that followed all eyes turned to Michaelangelo, who quickly crossed his arms and froze under their stony stares. He wasn't so certain that he wanted their attention any more.  
  
Raphael managed to find his voice first. It was uncharacteristically quiet, "Did I just hear you say 'blow job' and 'Splinter' in the same sentence?"  
  
"And 'April'?" Donatello added.  
  
Michaelangelo's hyper mood returned, "Yes! I saw April sucking off Splinter in the-ooof!"  
  
Leonardo had leapt forward knocking him onto his back and pinning him to the ground. "Take that back right now!"  
  
"But Leo."  
  
"It's not funny Mike! Take it back!" Leonardo removed his right hand from his shoulder and balled it into a fist. Raphael quickly grabbed his arm before he could throw the punch.  
  
"Mike, if this is a joke it really is in poor taste," Donatello tried to defuse the situation as he and Raphael bodily removed Leonardo from their brother, "Come on Leo, let go so he can explain himself."  
  
Leonardo glowered past his brothers at Michaelangelo as he stood and dusted himself off, but didn't make another move towards him. Michaelangelo looked indignant, "I'm not joking. I went back to the lair to get my wallet. I stepped in the door, and there were April and Splinter by the couch. She was." He was interrupted by a growl from Leonardo. "Doing what I said she was doing." He lifted his chin defiantly.  
  
Raphael moved away from the group and began pacing. Donatello spoke as calmly as possible, "Come on Mike, they can't have been doing that. What exactly did you see?"  
  
Leonardo let out his pent up breath, "Yeah, you must be mistaken. I mean, how long were you there?"  
  
"Only a few seconds. I left as soon as I realized what was happening."  
  
"So what did you see?" Raphael moved in closer again and stood looking skeptical.  
  
Michaelangelo took a deep breath. "Splinter was standing there naked with his head thrown back and his eyes closed. April was kneeling in front of him. I saw him from the front and her from the back." "Well maybe they were." Donatello trailed off, unable to think of a good explanation.  
  
"Did you actually hear any sucking noises?"  
  
"Raph!" Leonardo socked him in the arm.  
  
"Ow!" Raphael massaged his upper arm, "I'm just having a hard time believing that the guy who is always throwing out my porn, and who learned about B.J.s from CNN during Monicagate is getting one from April."  
  
"Yeah, but what else could they have been doing?" Michaelangelo looked at each of them in turn.  
  
"I can't think of anything," Donatello shrugged.  
  
"But, but." Leonardo began sputtering pitifully.  
  
"This really isn't a joke Mike?"  
  
"Cross my heart and hope to de-mutate, Raph! I did not make this up! Never in a million years did I think Splinter and April would hook up!"  
  
Leonardo continued sputtering.  
  
"Daaaaamn," Raphael let out a slight chuckle, "Wonder what else the old rat is up to that we don't know about?"  
  
~  
  
Splinter enjoyed his bath despite the incidents leading up to it. The water was still fairly warm when he finally got in and the tea was good. He first willed himself to relax, and then worked on how to handle the situation that had arisen earlier. He'd need to be able to explain the magazine to April without her interruption and apologize for accidentally exposing himself to her. That could be easily accomplished with a phone call to her voicemail.  
  
His sons presented a slightly different problem. Obviously Michaelangelo had seen him and April in what doubtless looked like a compromising position. He wouldn't have kept his mouth shut about it either. He would just have to set his sons straight on what had really happened and make sure that nothing like this would happen again. He wondered who that magazine belonged to. Perhaps it would be best not to throw it out immediately. Maybe he could have a little fun with it rather than just give another lecture. Splinter smiled; yes, he'd have to see if he could make them sweat a little before telling them the truth about the incident. 


	3. The Incident Explained

Relaxation Chapter 3  
  
By Skeletoncrew  
  
During a quiet moment at the station April checked her voicemail. She broke into a grin when she heard Splinter's voice. "Good evening April. I'm afraid that we had a bit of a misunderstanding earlier and I wanted to clarify what happened."  
  
He sounded so concerned, she fought back a giggle. His voice took on a slightly stern tone, "As I tried to tell you earlier, that was most certainly not my magazine. I had found it stuffed into the couch and was going to throw it away on my way back to the bathtub. Please allow me to assure you that the owner of that particular piece of smut will be reprimanded." April giggled; someone was in big trouble now.  
  
Splinter continued, "As for the rest of what happened; I had just eaten a saltine with a dollop of peanut butter before you arrived. I really didn't want to spew cracker crumbs on you, and the peanut butter ended up hindering my speech as well. As for my attire, I was on the way to the tub and was not expecting company. I do hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me for accidentally ah," he hesitated, "losing the towel in front of you."  
  
April burst into laughter. Poor Splinter! He was always so proper and modest, that must have nearly killed him! Her reaction probably didn't help much either, but she had to get out of there before she lost her composure. She had been filled with the strongest urge to say, "My, what big balls you have!" April snorted at the thought and continued laughing. That most certainly would have made things much worse. She wondered how he would have responded to that. "The better to-," no, he would probably have been utterly horrified.  
  
Her laughs subsided after a few minutes. She'd have to call him back and let him know that she wasn't angry with him. But not tonight, she didn't want to further embarrass him by starting to laugh again; or worse yet, blurting out something about the size of his testicles. She idly wondered whether or not that was a normal trait for male rats as she returned to her paperwork.  
  
  
  
Nearly five hours after they had left, the Turtles returned to their home. Splinter had wanted them out for just four hours, but they had unanimously agreed to give him some extra time just in case. They paused outside the door listening.  
  
"Well?" Michaelangelo whispered from the back.  
  
"I think I hear the TV, that's it." Leonardo whispered before reaching for the door.  
  
Raphael stopped his hand, "Wait, was that Splinter laughing?"  
  
"She's not still there is she? Because I don't think I can handle seeing them together tonight," Donatello spoke quietly.  
  
Leonardo looked pained, "I don't know. If this was supposed to be a secret- "  
  
All four of them jumped in surprise as the door suddenly opened. Splinter stood in the doorway with a look of concern upon his face. "I thought I heard something out here. What are you doing?"  
  
"Nothing! We were just getting ready to come in and go to bed," Michaelangelo blurted.  
  
Splinter turned and started walking back towards the couch. "A little early for bed isn't it?" He could hear someone punch Michaelangelo as they filed in the door.  
  
"Yeah I guess it is; we must have lost track of time." Leonardo tried to cover for his nervous brother.  
  
Splinter shut off the TV and picked up a magazine from the coffee table. He held it up so they could see the cover, "Oh, and whose is this?" Splinter didn't wait for a response before continuing, "April saw it earlier, and the oddest thing happened as a result."  
  
All of the Turtles except for Leonardo exchanged glances. He just paled. Had his negligence been directly responsible for what Mike had seen earlier? He gulped and croaked out, "Its mine Sensei." The others looked at him in surprise.  
  
Splinter swept them with a stern look. "I've told all of you many times to keep these things in your own rooms." He fixed his gaze on Leonardo, "Do you have any idea what happened after she saw this?"  
  
Leonardo's eyes widened and he began blushing furiously, but didn't answer him. Splinter noticed the others coloring slightly as well. Michaelangelo became suddenly and intently interested in a spot on the ground, while Donatello found something interesting on the wall to look at. Raphael seemed to be smirking slightly at Leonardo.  
  
"Well?"  
  
He received no answer.  
  
"Surely one of you must have an idea. Michaelangelo?"  
  
Michaelangelo jumped as though he had been stung, his face betraying panic. "I, I, well, um April, and uh, you," he gestured vaguely, "Well, um, you know."  
  
Splinter raised and eyebrow and Raphael decided to speak up on Michaelangelo's behalf. "He thinks that you and April ended up playing 'President and intern'."  
  
Splinter turned towards Raphael. "'President and intern?' I don't believe I am familiar with that game. How is it played?"  
  
Raphael had hoped that his Sensei would understand the innuendo; he didn't want to have to explain it. "Well, ah you know, 'getting a protein shake'."  
  
He received a blank look in response.  
  
"Guys? A little help here?" Raphael whispered.  
  
Donatello took a stab at it, "A hummer."  
  
"What does a large vehicle have to do with this?"  
  
"A hummer isn't just a large vehicle, its-," Donatello paused, trying to figure out how to most delicately phrase it.  
  
Michaelangelo cut in, "Eating your Twinkie!"  
  
Leonardo almost said something, but he decided that he was in enough trouble as it was. He just continued to cringe at the euphemisms his brothers were using.  
  
Raphael tried again, "Playing the skin flute?"  
  
"Getting to the center of your Tootsie Pop!"  
  
Splinter cocked his head and looked at them doubtfully, "What on earth are you talking about?"  
  
Donatello gave Michaelangelo a dirty look, "They mean fellatio Master Splinter."  
  
"Are you saying that April and I ended up engaging in oral sex as a result of finding this magazine in the living room?" He held up the Hustler once more. Their eyes went wide, and one by one they all nodded, avoiding any eye contact. "Now what makes you think that?"  
  
"Well, Mike said he saw it happening." Raphael gestured towards his brother.  
  
"Really?" Splinter looked at him with interest, "Now, would that have been when you weren't supposed to be here?"  
  
"Yes Master Splinter. Sorry Master Splinter."  
  
"I am not so much unhappy with the fact that you returned to retrieve a forgotten item, as I am disappointed that you told everyone what you saw while you were here. This is how rumors get started."  
  
"Sorry Master Splinter."  
  
"You really think that April and I were engaged in a sex act when you returned home?"  
  
Michaelangelo shrugged. "It certainly looked like it."  
  
"Well, you can all rest easy, that's not what was going on."  
  
Leonardo loudly released his pent up breath and resumed breathing normally, but the rest of the Turtles looked somewhat skeptical. Donatello spoke up, "But Mike said that he saw you naked with April kneeling in front of you."  
  
"Yes, he did."  
  
"Well then, what were you doing?"  
  
"Feeling very embarrassed if you must know. It was all quite accidental. I had a towel around my waist and was on my way to the tub with my hands full, when I found the magazine in the living room. Intending to throw it away, I tucked it under my arm and picked my things back up. At that point, April walked in wanting to talk to me. Unfortunately my mouth was full, so I couldn't speak, and the magazine slipped out from under my arm. April stepped forward and knelt down to retrieve it for me. She was quite taken aback when she saw what it was." He fixed Leonardo with a steely glare. "And to make a long story short, the towel slipped off, Michaelangelo mad his surprise entrance and exit, and April ended up quickly leaving. She was quite distressed by the incident."  
  
Everyone relaxed visibly at the conclusion of Splinter's story, and Raphael gave Michaelangelo a smack on the back of his head for good measure.  
  
"Ow! How was I supposed to know?" Michaelangelo scowled at Raphael.  
  
Splinter answered, "You weren't. However, you should have known better than to tell everyone that I was getting a blow job from April. That is what you did, isn't it?"  
  
"Yes Master Splinter." Michaelangelo looked downwards.  
  
"And you," Splinter looked at his other sons, "believed him?"  
  
They nodded reluctantly, and Leonardo added, "I knew it couldn't be true though!"  
  
"I'm sure, but this probably wouldn't have happened had it not been for this." Splinter handed the magazine to Leonardo, who reluctantly accepted it. "You will call April tomorrow and apologize for leaving it out."  
  
"Yes Sensei."  
  
"You will also write a 1,000 word essay on whether or not pornography exploits women."  
  
Leonardo blushed, "Yes Sensei."  
  
Splinter turned his attention back to Michaelangelo. "As for you, you will write an essay of the same length on privacy rights in the United States."  
  
"Aww man!"  
  
"You also need to work on thinking before you speak; therefore, you will be silent for 48 hours, starting now." Michaelangelo looked stricken. "If I hear anything out of you during that time, your period of silence will be extended 24 hours." The Turtle nodded sadly.  
  
"As for you two," Splinter eyed Donatello and Raphael, "you have both demonstrated an impressive vocabulary tonight. I want you to write 1,000 word essays as well. Donatello, your subject will be diseases transmitted through oral-genital contact. Raphael, you will write about," Splinter's eyes sparkled with merriment, "the history of flutes, and I don't mean the skin type." Raphael groaned. "Now then, I expect these essays to be finished in three days, so you'd best get to it!"  
  
Splinter watched with amusement as his sons bowed and left the room. "That ought to keep them busy for a while," He thought to himself. As he sat back down on the couch he chuckled, recalling their euphemisms. "Getting to the center of the Tootsie Pop?" He shook his head; he'd have to remember that one. 


End file.
